… Finally been able to forgive myself.
October 4, 2018, The Today Show was covering the lastest #METOO revelation – it was Connie Chung’s voice. Chung reading a letter she’d written to the media about her rape. Her words, voice resonated with me as I woke. It was like a lightning bolt, remembering an incident long-forgotten – or not.
This was my post on Facebook October 4, 2018:
#METOO Assaulted X2 – remember exactly where I was and what I was wearing. DO NOT remember dates. The first time, I told someone (female) the same night – crickets – didn’t tell the second time. Wonder Why?
1968 – Leaving home for college was exciting. Naive, a ‘good girl’ and rule follower, didn’t have a clue about the ‘real world’…so when someone I barely knew trapped me in a car, shocked. He only stopped when someone began approaching the vehicle.
When I told two others what happened a few hours later, they said NOTHING. Still, remember how awkward and embarrassed that I ‘told.’ Looking back I don’t think they knew what to do any more than I did. BUT NOTHING? YES.NOTHING. So, when it happened the second time I.TOLD.NOT.ONE.PERSON. I remember feeling embarrassed and ashamed.
Writing this blog helped me remember the 2nd time. Finally said it ‘out loud’ to a male friend during one Sunday lunch.
Realizing my history helped me understand why I began my ‘crazy years,’ and it has also helped me to forgive myself. Cannot begin to say what forgiving myself has meant for me.
Is it any wonder my LLC is “Still Talking” because – Good or Bad – always ‘thought’ I owned my voice. Thankful for Parents who encouraged me to do so.
So many dreams deferred, and so many years wasted. I felt like trash. Thankfully my parents loved me through it all.
Peace. Peace beyond understanding is what I now know. Finally, feel like I am who I was ‘meant to be.’ It’s about time.
What is the lesson I’ve learned? My over-riding belief is love conquers everything. There is not one person I hate, and my goal is to be pure of heart. Believe me, have to work on it every.single.day.
This will probably sound silly to some, but GOD is my best friend. If I stay close to Him, going to be just fine.
How lucky can one girl be?
Someone I admire greatly wrote to me recently, asking What’s next?
Never really knew until now.
Call 800.656.HOPE (4673) to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.
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