To say it’s taken me a long time to ‘forgive myself’ is an understatement. I can say this now, I’m past beating myself up.
Today: I got this purse in the mail from Sherry Shaw Felts. Sherry is a school teacher, and during summers she worked with our family to help with my Mother.
Working as PR Director for an addiction treatment hospital gave me tools to be ‘healthy’. Combined with therapy it is “HALT” that I say if I get HUNGRY; ANGRY; LONELY or TIRED. ANGER came to me too much. Looking back jealously was a big part of the ANGER. The craziest part of the jealousy is that I usually had everything I ever wanted. I’ve also been the ‘victim’ of jealousy, and it’s not fun. So why couldn’t I learn from this? I’m not sure, today I’m happy to say I don’t live with jealousy, and am rarely angry.
Early on, backstage at an awards show came face-to-face with an artist whose conversation with me could not be ignored. He made a very bigoted statement to me that I immediately addressed, and it was much needed. Those confrontations are important, and it’s my prayer I will always be able to KINDLY confront someone who degrades another because of the color of their skin.
There is a difference in good anger and inappropriate anger. Early on, it was hard to differentiate. When I knew my words might get ahead of my anger, I had a LOOK. It wasn’t pretty, but that was my way of keeping my mouth shut.
THEN – someone did it to me. YIKES. That night knew I could never do that to another again. Had to apologize to Sherry. Yes, I’d done it to someone I really cared about — reasons do not matter. It’s just not okay.
Sherry was gracious and we’ve remained friends, thankfully. Then today, this handbag came in the mail. Can you even imagine how thrilled I was to receive this?
Turquoise is one of my very favorite colors. Cannot tell you how long I’ve wanted a turquoise purse. This cannot be a more perfect symbol to me of how, when both parties care about friend or familial relationships it remains ‘through thick and thin”.
It’s called adulting. Maybe I finally ‘get’ it?
It matters who we surround ourselves with, and while I still have times when I want to scream or blow up (yes, I do.) I haven’t done this in a very long time.
Recently someone really hurt my feelings. I SO wanted to discuss with her but held my tongue. Waited and prayed that I would not behave in a way that would just ‘hurt her’ too. Did I survive the ‘dis’? Of course.
As humans, we either react out of fear or love. Today its love that drives me. There is not one modicum of hate or anger in me. It’s been a long process, and sometimes rocky, it’s friends like Sherry Shaw Felts who make it worth it.
My heart is full.